Yoo hoo class...errr, is there a class left after my long absence????
*Note to self: Stop pretending. The class has graduated. Or they're on summer vacation. Or they've waved the white flag on blogging.*
Well, just in case there is still one lone straggler out there ready to read & learn hot blogging tips & trends, I'm checking in again! Delinquent and tardy as I may be, I've got a 'Rocky' eye-of-the-tiger persistence & toughness. I'll always return!
Here's the brief back story: Do the math. Burnout from doing too much + insatiable curiosity + family drama + lots of travel + serious ongoing health issues = chugging along on one cylinder.
Hey, I'm not saying I'm out of the woods yet. But r & r, doctors of all kinds, prayers, lots and lots of drugs & prayers have certainly helped. My aura is shining & beautiful once again.
Whilst I've been away & piddling around, I've noticed a trend: curation.
What is curation or curating you ask? Basically, it's culling & selecting.
Here is an excellent New York Times article on this subject.
Curating is what's happening now in Facebook, Tumblr, and Pinterest. Bloggers have morphed into curators.
And in the process, links to the original creators sadly often get lost. And very few seem to care. The web has imploded. We're becoming one big humongous, gooey, no-degree-of-separation, joyfully jacuzzing blob.
May the blob be with you! Curation is King.
Hey, just for the record: I'm a curator too. Check out my humor Tumblr (Booyah) and my spiritual Tumblr (Circuitry).
Class: As you know by now, I'm proud to be your STRANGE teacher.
And I promise you I'll continue to be your STRANGEST most blondalicious teacher offering you the most brilliant & stupid blog tips ever! Demented, bizarre, eccentric and unpredictable---these are accolades to me!
Today I'm going to answer some of your email questions--I hope they offer you edification as well as satisfy your curiosity about me.
Q: Why didn't you post my comment linking to my blog? A: Spammers aren't tolerated in my class, unless they afford me mirth & most don't.
Q: Why don't you put advertising on your blog? A: Way too messy for chump change. (But that may change...)
Q: Who is your favorite humor blogger? A: Without a doubt the Bloggess is the goddess in this genre. But dontcha tell her I said so--she's already got a Mother Teresa complex. Enough already with her delusions of grandeur.
Q: Do you really drink that much? A: Only on Fridays, Saturdays and Wednesdays. Who in their right mind could write a post like this without help from the devil water? *oh, waiter---bring another round for us!*
Q: When is your memoir going to be released? A: Once it's published, and that's not easy these days with the publishing biz in disarray. The good ol boyz hog the lucrative contracts. The good news is this breed is dying. May they rest in peace sooner than later.
Q: What do you watch on tv? A: Stephen Colbert & John Stewart are my favorite comic hunks.
Q: Who inspires you? A: My Mother who gave birth to me all alone as a teenage runaway mom by an isolated lake late at night. This story will be in my memoirs--very touching stuff.
That's all for now! Don't forget to check the weird & wonderful stuff I post every day on my Tumblr blog Booyah.
Class, I was pondering the whys and wherefores recently. This was a little more complicated than Uncle Remus stories for I went DEEP into the mysteries of why things are the way they are.
In this process, I finalized my notes which I'd like to share with you as they pertain to blogging tips and humor since these two are the focus of this blog: Blogging For Dummies.
Here are the Immutable Blogging Laws as I see them as a seasoned pro (they'll probably change in a nanosecond since I dared to write the word 'immutable', but oh well. What can I say but the faeries often love to mess with us!)
1. The Law of Attraction: The more you post photos or write about t. & a., sexual innuendos, snark, humor and/or controversial topics, the more hits your posts will get as evidenced by stats. (Hence the gratuitous image posted here. Hey, I may be blond/blonde, but stupid...not always!)
2. The Law of Beauty: People wanna ogle beautiful things, people, animals, etc. People crave beauty...lust for beauty...will die for beauty.
3. The Law of Ego: The more you flaunt your ego in posts, print or media, the more the opposite force will take you down. You can bank on it. The more obvious you are with your braggadocio, the funnier it is when you tank. This law is as old as cavemen. Who would you rather see slip on the classic banana peel: a banker, Wall Street broker or little old lady?!
4. The Law of Lost and Found: I've begun many a blog in my day and when the passion was strong, I posted like a maniac. Then one day I would awake and discover the passion was gone and stop posting. There are many of my lost blogs in the blogosphere growing quite dusty I imagine. And then SURPRISE, someone will leave a comment on one of my posts. The law is that anything you put up on the net is NEVER EVER lost--these may be forgotten by you, but somebody will find them. If there is anything you wish you'd never written, you can 100 % count on it!
5. The Law of Offense: This law especially applies to humor bloggers. Trust me. If you write anything, there will be someone who doesn't like what you have to say. But it also applies to blogging in general. Put on your Bossy Pants and Rhino Gear when you post.
6. The Law of Karma: Whatever you post always comes back to you! The boomerang effect is in action every moment, every moment. This is why I always have funny, weird stuff happen to me. I'm the cause of my effect. Don't forget to subscribe to my Booyah Tumblr in this regard.
7. The Law of Scratch My Back I'll Scratch Yours: When you help someone out with a plug, inevitably there will be some scratching. Good, yummy scratching. In this regard, I received an email from a blogger I've always admired, and it read:
"I have enjoyed your site for the longest time. I was hoping you will give me a little plug for my site called Paperback Charlie Brown. It's a cool little parody site and already got some great reviews online. I would love to be on your site. Take a quick glance at my site at PaperbackCharlie Brown
. There is something for everybody. It's Peanuts with a twist."
Who knows when my scratch-back will happen, but it's a LAW. It has to happen!
CLASS: Does it seem to you that the world is becoming crazier and crazier every day?
Have you marveled at the growing number of people/groups/nations acting-out and demanding change and/or demonstrating intense hostility?
Have you wanted to mix it up with some of these change movements and participate as an activist for change in the Occupy Movement?
Or are you more like your blondalicious teacher retreating from the intensity and watching anything funny you can find online or on tv after self-medicating?
There's never been a time when laughter is more needed to lighten the load.
And if you have a finely developed sense of humor such as myself, there are so many things which make you laugh. If you've subbed to my Tumblr Blog, Booyah, then you know what I mean. What? You've not subscribed yet?! Gitouttahere!
I find myself running to Tumblr and Booyah four-five times a day now to restore my sanity through retarded humor.
As the Light of Humor filters through the layers of distress, I breathe again and can resume shopping, bitching, and dare I say--even blogging.
Blessed Fruitcakes....Blessed Cracked Ones...Blessed Funny Men & Women...Blessed Humor Bloggers...Blessed Comedians--you are my salvation!
Ya see, I have to have the LIGHT! The dark is far too scary!
Class: Your Blondalicious Teacher has something to get off her massive chest today, and I'm sure this is something you can resonate with:OBLIGATION.
Now since you know I'm a very free-spirited & slightly spoiled blogger/artist/jetsetter, I've never liked obligations and have done my best to avoid them most of my life. They're so tiresome. However, due to events outside my control (and yours), I'm often required to be pc and play along. (when the cows come home with fingers & toes crossed)
One of the obligations I most detest is returning phone calls.
As a child of the internet & text generation, I'd most prefer to reply via email or text-- either of these reply methods is much easier because they give you time to think of an 'out' to an invite or whatever--plus you don't get ambushed as easily as you do when on the phone and someone surprises you before you've had a chance to think up a lie.
Another obligation I quite dislike is returning the favor of commenting on another's blog. Now I know this isn't kosher to admit, but I'm admitting it anyway. I like to comment when I feel like it, but not because I'm supposed to do so. Actually, I played the comment game for many years as a diligent blogger & made many wonderful friendships this way, but after awhile, it became an OBLIGATION.
So I checked myself into Obligation Rehab and shed that time consuming habit. Now I've got many more hours in my day to screw around and be lazy--my preferred modality.
Recently I had another obligation test when I ran into an old friend & she suggested we do lunch. She told me to call her. Have I called her back? One guess.
This person obviously doesn't know I've proudly stepped into and embraced my Bitch Hood!
But I digress...what I want you my faithful readers and deliciously naughty students to know is that I give a rat's a$$ if you comment or don't comment or read my posts. I write them for whomever happens to be so bored as to land here and takes the time to learn & laugh.
I release you from all obligations. You are free to tiptoe on by even though I can see your tracks.
Class: I've returned to laud the praises of my newest passion: Fiverr.
As you know from following my Tumblr Blog "Booyah", I adore the weird, the bizarre, and the outrageous. However, as you also know your blondalicious teacher is easily bored!
Thus, I've plowed my way through many a humor blogger, conspiracy website & forums, games, Flickr, Twitter, StumbleUpon, Plurk, tumblr, etc. etc. etc.
I suppose it all began with eBay. There was a lot of JUNK and STUFF there which kept me amused & titillated for a period of time, but alas, I grew weary of buying & bidding--especially when I usually win!
So it is with great delight to discover the bargain basement of yummy weirdness called Fiverr--and these treats and gifts are offered for ONLY five dollars!
I adore the weirdness of the offerings, but thus far, I've refrained from purchasing anything. After all, I really don't need anything as I'm already rich, beautiful, healthy, and famous. (alert: total B.S. Actually I'm retarded, lonely and write this from my prison cell. Errr....ok, neither of these are true. But so what?!) But I digress...
If you want to have some laughs or waste more internetz time, then I suggest Fiverr.
Who knows...maybe I'll join and have my pet lion (see earlier post!) have your logo sign carried by him as he hunts down his quarry.
Are Bloggers More Likely To Have Sex On A First Date??
Class: I stumbled a news story today on my StumbleUpon page which made me pause and go 'hmmmmm'.
Thearticle stated that as a result of a survey done by a UK dating service they have determined that overweight women & athletic men are more likely to have sex on a first date.
And what about bloggers I asked myself?
Maybe we should break this down a bit as there are many kinds of bloggers.
Would an overweight athletic lesbian blogger be more likely to have sex on the first date? Would a whacko humor blogger be more game to get it on? And what about an educated bicycling male blogger who wears a furry animal headdress and dances around the house dressed in a cape made from lettuce leaves?
I have so many questions now that I've read this research.
My library is overflowing with metaphysical books…all of which I’ve read.
I love generous people, and I’m also generous.
Until you spend many years with me, you can’t fathom who I am.
I am single.
My sheets are professionally pressed.
Gifts of healing flow through my hands.
Falling down as a young child and enduring a bad head wound, I became very psychic.
I was adopted as a baby, but my adopted parents kept this a secret from me. I discovered this fact on my own through my psychic gifts which was later confirmed.
Every week I find something to give to someone.
I can smell an agenda or falsity a mile away for I have x-ray vision and sensing.
If someone lies to me, I don’t always call them on their lie. Karma’s a bitch. It catches up with one.
My psychic abilities have been tested by professionals, but I don’t give psychic readings.
Animals gravitate to me as I love them.
I have re-invented myself many times during this lifetime.
This is because I’ve had several near-death experiences which changed me.
My inner child is alive and well and playful.
Though I don’t consume milk products, I make the exception for ice cream cones.
Photography is one of my passions.
Pomposity as displayed by others makes me laugh.
I know enough to ask for help when I need to.
Dancing is much more fun at home with the music turned up.
I am knowledgeable about astrology, numerology, palmistry, dowsing and feng-shui.
If I didn’t live on Maui, I’d live in Ibiza.
I am very good at dealing with invasions of personal space.
I am often called a Muse.
Making people laugh brings me joy.
If I could, I would travel constantly.
I love to capture the essence of a person in portrait photography.
My birth mother was half Cherokee.
Barefoot is how you normally will see me.
If I ever marry again, I will be surprised.
I think our celebrity-obsessed culture is both hilarious and ridiculous. I like to make fun of it.
Mothers that put their children in beauty contests with heavy make-up on freak me out.
Japanese food is my soul-food, and if I start feeling ill, I eat Japanese food, and I immediately feel better.
Great artists, inventors, and humanitarians are whom I admire.
I would like to keep a flat in Paris to visit from time to time.
My best friend is my daughter.
I look a lot younger than my biological age.
De-toxing is something I do daily because of environmental pollution.
My skin has a slight tan. I don’t care for dark tans as they look fake and unhealthy.
Great beauty makes my heart beat faster.
I have met and known many kind people.
Angels are with me all the time.
My non-fiction book about dolphins was published in 1993.
Living in the mountains agrees with me.
When I modeled in my early twenties, I was anorexic.
I love the element of water and love to swim.
People give me mermaid and dolphin gifts a lot.
Collages are something I enjoy creating.
Communing with Nature is necessary for my well-being.
Trust is something you have to earn with me.
Friends tell me I’m a wonderful listener and wise counselor.
I’m a light eater.
A major requirement: I need to be surrounded by beauty.
I prefer quality food, and if I drink, I prefer quality alcohol. Actually, I like the BEST in everything.
Horses, elephants, dogs, dolphins, whales and cats are my favorites.
My goal is to get my MANY blogs to support me. If not all, at least one.
I grew up in a small Indian town in Oklahoma.
The Blog-Blond blog was born out of frustration and the learning curve of blogging innards.
I gained 15 pounds sitting all day & learning how to do html and blog, No more weight gain though. I put a stop to that after I went up a size.
All the details which go into making a GREAT blog drives me just a bit crazy.
Kuanyin isn’t my real name. Duh!
However, I have the greatest of respect for the REAL Kuan Yin.
I take photos every day, and I carry two digital cameras with me everywhere I go.
I have zero desire to be a professional photographer. I’m quite happy being an amateur.
Yes, I live on Maui. Tis true.
I’ve experienced many kinds of love in my life and continue to experience love.
Unconditional love is the best.
I’ve been known to be a bit kinky at times.
I’m working on several books, one of which is a dark humor fiction book based on Maui folk I’ve known.
I love to swing in hammocks.
Watching sunrise and sunset makes me have a happy day.
The world needs to have more balance, more fair-play, and more balanced distribution of the wealth.
We can choose the world in which we live: the mundane, the magical or the miraculous. I prefer the later.
When God handed out mechanical abilities, I was the last person in line.
I am punctual for all appointments and pay my bills on time.
I attract people who are eccentric, different, quirky, odd-ball, rebellious and weird.
Perhaps this is because I am very allowing and non-judgmental.
I like to drive fast cars and boats.
I am an Artisan type according to one of those famous tests.
I prefer silk, bamboo, hemp, cotton and linen fabrics.
World music, ambient, devotional, Celtic, and rhythm and blues music are some of my favorites.
I wanted to move far away from my dysfunctional family, so I married young to do so.
I’ve seen and experienced a lot in my life. It feels as if I’ve already lived multiple lives.
You don’t want to get on my bad side.
I distrust organized religions of all kinds, and thus, I do my own thing and go within.
Candles are a necessity in my life.
It would be easy for me to be a recluse.
My inner life is extremely rich.
I have my fair share of secrets. I don’t trust people who say they don’t have secrets.
I rarely worry.
Sometimes I can be compulsive-obsessive and experience burn-out from my work/passions.
I like a lot of variety.
I can often read other’s minds and thoughts.
I’m lucky.
Yoga and stretching feel great, and I love to stretch and move.
Before there was blogging, I wrote journals. I still write personal journals.
Delicious high-quality goat cheese is one of my power foods.
Class: As you know by now, I'm proud to be your STRANGE teacher. 
CLASS: Does it seem to you that the world is becoming crazier and crazier every day?
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